ALIEN ROMULUS

20^th Century Studios
Directed By: Fede Álvarez

Starring: Cailee Spaeny, David Jonsson, Archie Renaux, Isabela Merced, Spike Fearn, and Aileen Wu

Reviewed By: The Rock n Roll Preacher

So here it is, the much mooted seventh film in the ‘Alien’ series (we’re not counting the abysmal ‘Alien vs Predator’ abominations). There has been a lot of hype surrounding this film – so the big question is, does the film deliver? Frankly, no it doesn’t … at all. The trouble is very simple, these films have already been done to death, and “Romulus” (especially for a jaded and world weary for an old person like me) simply adds nothing new to the mix.

Very simply, it seems to me, that what has been created here is “Scream – In Space”. A young(ish) cast cobbled together as a series of walking talking clichés is already just that, most of whom are already thoroughly unlikeable – so their deaths are inevitable and very welcome. When “Alien” arrived in 1979, it was both shocking, and as scary as hell, and gripped you with the savage intensity of the action and violence. 40+ years on, and ‘Romulus’ is just another ‘Slasher’ movie (albeit with ‘facehuggers’ instead).

So, the plot (yes It loosely has one): A bunch of young downtrodden misfits working for the infamous “Weyland-Yutani” corporation at Jackson’s Star, steal(?) a spaceship “Corbelan” to fly to a (conveniently) derelict space station (seemingly found within two minutes of blast off!), where they will scavenge a batch of cryostasis chambers – which will allow them to escape to the planet Yvaga. Are you with me so far?

So, arriving at said space station, they find it conveniently divided into two sections “Romulus” and “Remus” (of Roman legend, if you know your history). The heroine ‘Rain Carradine’, her adopted brother Andy (the aforementioned, reprogrammed synthetic human), her ex-boyfriend Tyler, his pregnant sister Kay, cousin Bjorn, and Bjorn’s girlfriend Navarro. It seems the only reason Andy is there is that he (of course) can interface with the space station’s mainframe (sound familiar? Sighs).

Add to this confusion, the fact that the space station’s orbit is already deteriorating (well of course it is) and sooner rather than later, it will crash into the planet’s rings (how very convenient eh?). So, all this ludicrous plot is already happening before we even meet the aliens. Is there anything else we can throw into the mix? Well yes there is, at least one of these miscreants hates Andy for ‘reasons’ *shakes head wearily*.

So, because this young and obviously inexperienced ‘crew’ are idiots, while they are trying to salvage the cryostasis chambers, they accidentally revive a colony of ‘facehugger’ aliens (as you do of course), and chaos and bloodletting ensues. As if all this is not bad enough, a xenomorph is next to appear *yawns* and even more violence occurs well naturally). The trouble with all of this, is that it is so ludicrously predictable – and you find yourself praying that all the nauseating teens are dispatched quickly so we can get to the end of the wretched film. Good grief.

As all of this is going on, the youngsters discover the desiccated corpse of the station’s cybernetic science officer Rook. Now, common sense dictates that attempting to resurrect the ‘synthetic person’ *coughs and sniggers* can only lead to more awfulness, but resurrect him they do anyway – old farts like me will immediately recognise him as a clone of the original “Nostromo” craft science officer “Ash” and is every inch as psychopathic (if not more so), wanting the “Prometheus Fire” alien DNA to be sent to Earth (well one presumes) to be fused with human DNA – to create a perfect spacefaring human. Oh really? The deceased space station crew had been working on this – but all died as the aliens fought back (just in case you wondered).

Andy is somehow fused to Rook’s programming for “reasons”, so immediately becomes devoted to Weyland-Yutani and turns on his friends (wow, didn’t see that coming *snorts derisively*). One by one the useless teens are slaughtered, none very surprisingly in any new or exciting ways, until only Rain, Andy and Kay remain. Andy’s character (of course) needs to be redeemed, so the infected Rook ‘stuff’ needs to be purged from his system. By this time, I am actually praying for death myself – simply to save me from any more cliches!

The whole thing has become ridiculous by this point, I am trying not to sound overly sneering – but pretending these wet behind the ears kids were ever ‘space ready’ – is stretching anybody’s willing suspense of disbelief (cue “Blackadder” jokes) – as they are clearly the living breathing epitome of ‘disposable teens’. Until they were massacred (a blessing for humanity), they were all cursed with a plethora of the usual ‘dramatic trauma backstory nonsense’. I guess the idea was to make them believable and sympathetic – when in fact, it made them deplorably obvious/predictable. Singly the worst of them is a belligerent Mancunian – clearly based on one of the Oasis Gallagher brothers, down to the monobrow and gormless haircut – you just find yourself praying for his demise far more than the others somehow – and it’s very gratifying when it happens BTW!

Here is the thing, I genuinely went in wanting to like the film – but it’s endlessly predictable. We get the rogue android, the chest-bursting aliens – but so what? What once shocked is now painfully obvious. The slightly ‘wide eyed’/tragic Ellen Ripley character is alive and well in ‘Rain Carradine’. You know full well that she will be the last person left alive to face off against the ultimate monster – but we have seen this over and over again before – “Move along people – nothing new to see here!”

There is not a single cliché left unexplored, and as it drags on, it is simply painful to endure. At least the “Prometheus” and “Covenant” films had something new to offer, “Romulus” is just a yawn-inducing rehash of everything that’s gone before. The final ‘birth’ of the Alien/Human hybrid to ‘Kay’ actually made me laugh out loud, it was so ridiculous, and I know full well that this was not the intent. I am 99.9% certain that “Romulus” is intended to be the first in a host of ‘new’ “Alien” films, and frankly, it does not bode well.

Rod Hull’s Emu is more unpredictable and frightening than this, and the use of Ripley’s “Get away from her you bitch” curse is used in a frankly desperate and unforgivable way to link back to the two truly classic original films – and I consider its use an insult to my (hairy) backside. If the film makers had an ounce of remorse – they would now let this franchise die, as “Romulus” should have been stillborn.

“Romulus” is a case in point of the truism that just because you can do something – does not mean that you should! The “Alien” franchise has two perfect films to its canon, and since then nothing has come close. This dreadful film adds nothing to the “Alien” lore and does a great deal to hurt it. In summation and my most earnest advice? Avoid like a case of herpes! But yer pays yer money I suppose …